I've totally blown it

It's Friday morning, Maleah and Arouna are at school and I'm reflecting on the last few days.  There are many days that I feel completely at peace with where our family is and where I'm at spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically.  And then there are days that I feel totally at a loss.  I know that everyone goes thru these same emotions and feelings.  As parents and especially Moms, we evaluate ourselves a lot of times on how our children are doing.  If they're in a good place, we are too.  If not, we feel like failures.  I guess that's where I've been the last week or so.  And that's where I found myself the last 2 nights when I've totally blown it.

The last week or so Arouna has been different in a few different ways.  We are noticing that he seems to be more aware of things.  That is a wonderful thing, if it's true, but it also means he is becoming more frustrated at times.  And with being frustrated comes crying, whining, etc.  The hard thing about this is that we don't even know for sure that this is the case.  He could be not feeling well, he could still have giardia that is causing pain in his stomach, he could be tired because he doesn't sleep well at school, etc...... and the list goes on.  We just don't know and there is no easy way to find out because of not being able to communicate with him.  So we just have to try and guess and when we don't guess correctly, he is upset, which leads to the crying, whining, etc.  Bathtime is his favorite thing or so we thought.  But the last few days as we've put him in his bath, he is fine for a few minutes and then he starts to cry uncontrollably.  For a couple of weeks, he had started reaching for his toys in the bathtub and trying to catch a ball and we were so excited for this progress.  Now, he just cries.  And I lost it.  Two nights in a row I was angry with him and frustrated and he could tell, which made him scream even louder.  But then as I stepped back, I realized.  It's not him I'm frustrated with, it's me.  The thought that if I was a better mother, I could know what he's upset about.  The thought that I should be able to make this better.  The frightening thought that I've only made his life more complicated and unhappy by bringing him here. That's where my thoughts start to go when I get in a bad place.  And that's where I find myself this morning.  With the thought that "maybe I'm just not good enough or strong enough to handle this."  All the time from people I hear, "You're such an amazing person for adopting Arouna."  But I want to scream out every time I hear that because I know the truth.  I'm just an ordinary person doing what I can and I fail constantly and sometimes miserably.

In fact, at this very moment in time, all of my kids are experiencing hard things.  Things that as a Mom, I cant fix.  Most of the time, all I can do is pray and even though it is, that never seems to be enough.  I want things to be perfect for them and for them to be happy.  But as we all know, life is not always butterflies and rainbows.  Life is difficult, hard, messy and just plain unfair at times.

I'm not sure why I'm confessing all this on this blog.  Maybe it's because when I write it all out, I begin to process it and see the real truth. Truth is that I will make many mistakes, but I am forgiven. Truth is that I'm not perfect, never will be and my life and my childrens lives never will be.  But Christ is perfect and with Him living thru me, I can continue to do His will in my life.  And the truth is I'm not good enough or strong enough, but Christ is strong enough to live thru me and use me. And whether I feel it or not, day by day, I am the "best" person God has chosen to guide my children along in life.  Thank goodness that God chose to give me grace and thank goodness my family practices it every day that they live with me.