It's so surreal....13 days from today, we will be leaving for a trip we've been planning for almost 3 years. Three years ago, we began discussing adoption, never realizing the process would take this long. I told someone the other day that I felt like I've been pregnant for 3 years. Knowing a child was coming but waiting an insanely long time. And now that the time has almost arrived, I'm not sure how I feel.
Don't get me wrong! I'm so excited to finally meet this little guy that I've loved from afar. To finally hold him, kiss him, tickle him, play with him, feed him, etc.... To finally see his personality. To show him all the love I've wanted to give him since we first saw his picture. To meet his caretakers and give them a big hug for taking care of him for almost 3 years. To visit his country and experience his culture.
But along with excitement comes anxiety, fear, and nervousness. I guess it's normal or at least they say it is. Even if I was giving birth in 13 days, I would feel these things. But this is a bit different. Bonding and attachment sometimes is not automatic. All these "what ifs" are running thru my head. What if he doesn't like me? What if he doesn't attach to me? What if he doesn't like all the new changes? What if he doesn't like the temperature and weather? What if he goes from being a very content little guy to very sad and unhappy? What if he gets sick in his new environment? What if I'm not very good at being a Mom to a little one with special needs? What if I'm too old for this? What if Maleah has a hard time adjusting and regrets us adopting? What if all our kids regret that we've adopted?
What if, what if, what if? I could probably go on forever with what ifs. Believe me, they've all entered my mind since we found out we were traveling. Some of them were brought on by others who don't understand our decision to adopt a child with special needs. But most of them have been brought on by myself and my own doubts. And sometimes they can begin to get the best of me to the point of thinking, "What in the world were we thinking? Whatever gave me the idea that I could do this?"
And then I come to the realization that "I" can't. In fact, "we" can't. Robert and I can't. So very often, we try and do everything all on our own. We try to do marriage on our own. We try to do parenting on our own. We try to live life on our own. And we fail miserably. It's only by God's grace, with His help, with knowing He'll be right beside us all the way that we can even attempt to do this.
It was God, in the the first place, that put the desire and passion to adopt a child with special needs in my heart. It was God that convinced Robert to take a leap of faith and adopt a child with a special need he knew nothing about. It was God who provided $32,000 thru the gifts and help of friends and family. And I believe wholeheartedly it was God who brought Arouna up on the adoption website at the precise time we had to choose a child.
Does this mean that it will be easy and go smoothly? That Arouna will bond right away, we'll adjust and the transition will be a piece of cake? That Arouna will group up happy, content and in good health? Unfortunately, the answer to all those questions is NO. There are no guarantees in life other than that we have a God who will be there for us and with us. He promises that this life will not be easy. That there will be trials and struggles in this world. But for those who call out to Him, we are not alone.
There's great comfort in that. Do I still worry, fear, have anxiety, etc....? Of course! I'll wake up tomorrow and go thru the same list of "what ifs". And the day after and the day after that. I'll continue to worry until I'm brought back to the realization that this is God's will and He orchestrated it all. It's then that I'm able to rest in His peace. I've always believed this statement that I heard years ago, "God will not lead you where His grace cannot sustain you." Is that just a nice saying or do I truly believe it? I can say I do, but only time will tell.
More thoughts to come soon.....
